Ugh (You probably don’t care, just need to sort my thoughts out)
So I’ve been having a hard time sleeping lately. I don’t know why. I’ll go to bed around 02:00, and wake up at 05:00. Maybe be able to sleep for another hour. Every day. No matter what time I go to bed. If I go to bed earlier, I wake up earlier. So this is frustrating. Then I’ve been having dream/nightmare things when I AM able to sleep. I wake up every day scared to death, and I can’t remember why. But shooting straight up is getting old.
I’m hoping it’s just stress. My mom’s getting on a plane to head over here as I type this. Her travelling here has brought up a lot of old worries. lol When it comes to her, I’m anything BUT rational tbh.
The summer I turned 13 I had what I can only accurately describe as a nervous breakdown stemming from the sudden realization that I could be left alone on this world at any time for no reason at all. Bad luck. It started in the summer. I’m sure I almost got her fired. It’s embarrassing. It got to the point where I would call her every half hour to make sure she picked up the phone. If she didn’t pick up, I’d have an anxiety meltdown. Fullblown, couldn’t function, couldn’t breathe. CONVINCED that she was gone. This level of seriously bad went on for probably a month.
That fall was 9/11. I was so freaked out I went home sick, convinced someone was going to fly a plane into the skyscraper my mom worked in. (lol in DES MOINES IOWA, such a PRIME TARGET I know)
It took me a LONG time to be ok with the fact that my mom could be taken away at any moment. Like, years. For the longest time, I just couldn’t spend the night at anyone’s house, because I was CONVINCED that she wouldn’t be there when I got home. I would get physically ill if I tried. PRETTY pathetic. Always made sure the last thing I said was I LOVE YOU. Just in case. And I still do, tbh.
So anyway, believe it or not, that’s the BRIEF telling of that story. I don’t like my mom travelling to see me. I didn’t like it in college, and I don’t like it now. Because in my mind, it’s a lot more dangerous for her to travel than be at home. Accidents happen. And if she were coming to see me and got in an accident? Something happened to her? Even now, I can admit that it would devastate me. So my anxiety level is high right now, and will probably stay that way until she calls me from her hotel in Tokyo tomorrow.
I don’t deal with losing people well. lol not that anyone does. I suppose I feel like it’s a combination of not having many people I REALLY value in my life. Very very few. And I’ve already lost some of them. Way too soon. And tbh, I don’t trust well. So I honestly don’t trust people not to leave me lol. Whether they want to or not.
At this point in my life, everyone seems to be leaving me. And it terrifies me.